Untitled, John Zurz

Well I’ve done it now. You might ask: What could a person do to get into a situation like this? I happen to be asking myself the very same question. Maybe I should start from the beginning. Though it is really more like the middle, if you want to get all technical.

It started with a girl, as all great stories do. Well, a pretty girl because since when do great stories start with a girl that looks like she should be attacking Tokyo? Also there were two friends who were fighting over who should ask her out. If it were up to me I would just have them flip a coin and be done with it, but that’s just me. Now they both happened to be friends of mine, you can see where this is going can’t you? They both decided to have a series of challenges and the winner would ask her out. Naturally I was stuck as the referee. Lucky me.

It started off pretty simply. They had a race, the one hundred meter. They tied. Now they were timed so this wouldn’t happen and both times turned out to be the same. Down to the nano-second. So they tried again with the race, same thing happened. So they decided to have a hotdog eating contest. Again it was timed. They both ate the same number of hotdogs in a minute, this happened to be half a hotdog. By now I realized that this was getting ridiculous. They insisted that they try again. Guess what happened. Yup. They decided to move on. To what you may ask. They wanted to climb a rock wall. The same thing happened, again. They wanted to try again but I talked them out of it. They still refused to flip a coin so they had another race. This time in cars. It was from one side of the city to the other. Now you need to understand that neither of them are very bright, big surprise huh? Naturally they both forgot to fill the gas tanks, change the oil, or to inflate the tires with air. This was another draw.

Now this kind of thing went on for a while. I felt that I had to take one for the team, so I asked her out. She said yes and we had a great time. Now, when they found out they were mad as hell. I am not sure why though; I saved them both a lot of time. They had one last contest. Now I did not see the point of it. It was over. But no, they insisted. So here I am. In a tree. Surrounded by dogs. My shirt soaked in meat. Don’t ask how because even I am not sure. Now if only I knew how to tell them that the girl moved away a week after our date. But I won’t. Then they would get angry. I would hate to see what they would do to me.